From the back of their vans, no less. At a stoplight, or while driving through a parking lot, someone (usually white, usually male) will pull up next to me and ask if I want some speakers. “Because we’ve got three sets,” he’ll say, and his associate riding shotgun will nod, to assuage my skepticism, because […]
Did you know that, at the time of this writing, there are over six billion people on the planet Earth? Yes, you probably did. It’s one of those facts everyone and their mother likes to throw around as if it was useful or even comprehensible. Six billion is a lot of people, a lot of anything really. The wanton hugeness of the number probably eludes you, as quantities over a hundred or so become difficult to visualize, whether you use a handy grid or not. No matter how you attempt to visualize it, six billion remains a hefty sum, and though you almost certainly aren’t so popular that you know the world’s entire population, you probably know more people than would fit comfortably in one room, or within yelling distance. Unfortunately, some people will still want to talk to you, even if you can’t yell at them. When these circumstances occur, your only recourse will be the telephone.
Me and the words, we get along alright. Better when there’s more of them, less so when there’s not. There’s no consistent relationship between word count and my mood, but as a general rule, if I have a surplus of words, I have a surplus of happiness. More words means I’ve done something. More words […]
From under the bed: “I just don’t think it’s fair, is all.”
“I’m not having this conversation again,” I said. I was on top of the bed, where I should be.
It is 1942. The shadow of the Axis darkens all of Europe, and the Allies face their darkest hour. There’s quite a bit of darkness everywhere, metaphorical darkness of course, a symbolic image of uncertainty, fear and oppression, not literal darkness, which still only occurs at night, in acceptable proportions to the daytime. Still, things are bad, and at night they’re even worse, thanks to the compounding of metaphorical darkness with actual darkness, which can be very scary and confusing. But a ray of hope shines out in this darkness, both figuratively and sometimes literally, an ordinary man turned extraordinary by science, an average Joe turned Allied secret weapon, a champion of freedom and goodness pledged to right wrongs and wring necks! His name? Be patient, you’ll find out soon.
The right name will illuminate your pet’s inherent nature and personality and will integrate the animal into your clan in a spirit of loving familiarity. A name chosen foolishly, based on whim or spite or for reasons of tax evasion, will doom your pet to a life of illness, crime and depravity and place the innocent creature on a path that leads inexorably to a messy bitter end for itself and possibly you.
In which various facts and postulates are displayed, regarding the author’s recent journey to the western (or “left”) edge of the North American continent, in no particular order. Special emphasis is given to the ironic and the peculiar, though not to the exclusion of the heartwarming, the pithy, the sentimental, or the banal. That said, […]
Attention Fellow Occupants: I am writing in regard to the incident that occurred 24 April in the foyer of our building. I am writing and posting this letter in the foyer of our building so everything is out in the open and no one can accuse me of being sneaky or backhanded or in other […]
1: “What’re you watching?” 2: “Nothing. Just flipping channels.” 1: “Oh. Hey, you remember Chris?” 2: “Chris with the lazy eye, or bad-tipper Chris?” 1: “No, Chris, with the impressions.” 2: “The good ones?” 1: “Yeah. That Chris.” 2: “What about him?” 1: “I saw him in a commercial today. For shampoo.” 2: “Really.” 1: […]
1. Make yourself a bushy Karl Marx beard and wear it around the house or to school. Real dead-German philosopher hair works best, but if you don’t have any, try yarn. Gray and black are traditional favorites, but you can pick any color you want. Or for extra super-realism points, grow a real beard of your own! Ask an adult to help you.