How To

How To Be Invisible.

To start, you should determine if you are “invisibility material.” The following quiz will help:

Are you physically average or nondescript?
Do you have a trench coat? A wide-brimmed hat? A lot of Ace bandages? A fake nose? Goggles? (Swim goggles are acceptable.)
Have you ever addressed a person audibly, while standing right in front of them, and received no response, no response at all… as if you were invisible? (You were probably not really invisible.)

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How To Start The New Year.

First, a word of probably-unnecessary warning: any essay claiming to help you start the new year is at least a little facetious. Technically, you don’t need to do anything. The year will start on its own. Most modern years include a simple push-button or touch screen interface in case of accidents, but you might need to turn the crank on the front, or push it for a few feet. Even if you don’t do either of those things, there’s a better than fifty-fifty chance that the year will have started by the time you wake up tomorrow, if you live in the continental United States. (If you live elsewhere, your results may vary.) Also, sometimes there’s no crank and it’s not a push-starter, so you have to find the pull cord, or the ignition key, or on truly vintage models, the jackknife switch, though why you’d be starting a year that old, I have no idea.

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How To Use The Telephone.

Did you know that, at the time of this writing, there are over six billion people on the planet Earth? Yes, you probably did. It’s one of those facts everyone and their mother likes to throw around as if it was useful or even comprehensible. Six billion is a lot of people, a lot of anything really. The wanton hugeness of the number probably eludes you, as quantities over a hundred or so become difficult to visualize, whether you use a handy grid or not. No matter how you attempt to visualize it, six billion remains a hefty sum, and though you almost certainly aren’t so popular that you know the world’s entire population, you probably know more people than would fit comfortably in one room, or within yelling distance. Unfortunately, some people will still want to talk to you, even if you can’t yell at them. When these circumstances occur, your only recourse will be the telephone.

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How To Name Your Pet

The right name will illuminate your pet’s inherent nature and personality and will integrate the animal into your clan in a spirit of loving familiarity. A name chosen foolishly, based on whim or spite or for reasons of tax evasion, will doom your pet to a life of illness, crime and depravity and place the innocent creature on a path that leads inexorably to a messy bitter end for itself and possibly you.

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Crafty Corner: May Day!

1. Make yourself a bushy Karl Marx beard and wear it around the house or to school. Real dead-German philosopher hair works best, but if you don’t have any, try yarn. Gray and black are traditional favorites, but you can pick any color you want. Or for extra super-realism points, grow a real beard of your own! Ask an adult to help you.

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