On the way to work today, I saw a guy in his car, at a stoplight, playing the trumpet.

I could tell even in the short time it took me to pass him that he was merely “warming up,” checking the action on the keys, clearing the spit valve, sounding out a few test notes. But that’s no excuse. I could tell if he had his way, he’d be driving around town, steering with his knees and belting out “Reveille”.

Is this the kind of thing kids learn in school these days? Is this the kind of country our forefathers envisioned? The kind of country you want to live in?

The answer to all these questions is “No.” Or “No, no, and yes,” if you’re a filthy automotive brass fetishist. Or “Sort of, probably not, and I don’t really care” if you ignore my rhetoric and answer the questions more literally. But that’s not my point.

As a commuter, I’ve seen things. Crazy things. Disturbing things. I’ve seen people reading books while they drive. Doing crossword puzzles while they drive. Applying makeup while they drive (and only three of them were clowns). Shaving with electric razors while they drive (faces only, as far as I know. Eww.). And that’s just the people doing things in their cars while driving. Don’t get me started about roadside junk, like those creepy mechanized automata that have appeared everywhere to promote professional tax services. Why is Lady Liberty waving at me like that? Your silent placid gaze mocks me and my lack of an accountant. Damn you, you self-important clockwork revenue whore!

But this trumpet playing… this is something new. Something more depraved and sinister. What’s next? Dashboard cornets? Roving gangs of trombonists? Drive-by bassoonings? Young women on street corners, playing the French horn? The French horn? Sweet Mary, Mother of God, do I have to spell it out, people?

Left unchecked, this perverse and inisidous combination of brass instruments and automobilia will hasten the collapse of society as we know it. Decent citizens must take action against it. I’m pretty sure the first step is to confiscate and destroy all musical instruments of the brass family you can find. I realize the bassoon is actually a woodwind, but I got carried away. Then again, it’s double-reeded, so I don’t trust it.

Anyway, start melting all the sousaphones and pocket trumpets and the rest of their kin down to slag. We’ll see how that goes. Then, we can continue destroying the orchestra on an instrument-by-instrument basis.

See? The Hairy Skeleton: thoughtful, rational, and considerate. While destroying filth.